you walk down a sidewalk that goes on, -- until it ends. the sidewalk is your latest fleeting refuge. it ends before you get used to it. you don't always find yourself on the sidewalk, and yet on the days you do, you look at that number on the scoreboard that shows your progress in life and it has increased by a fraction. until the sidewalk ends, that is. your feet don't fall within the shape of the brick tiles. stepping within the bricks is not on your mind. you feel the burning need to keep pace. Progress, eh? you walk, not as slow as you like, because somehow time passing by would increase the burden you are on people. you walk not as slow as you'd like, because knocking on their mind's door does not get them to answer. the silence weighs heavier with the burden you are becoming with every step you take. in your silence, you leave words unspoken.
you leave words unspoken, because you trying to explain how you feel like a mess only makes them wonder if they're a shit person, like it's their fault. anything you say makes it worse. why are you such a piece of shit? everyone you talk to starts feeling the same way as you. words unspoken, because nothing they can say will douse the fire you've started in your head, thinking you need a firebreak so that the entire forest of your sanity does not burn down. "if it must break, we should break it now." you've already obeyed the voice in your head, but you don't even remember agreeing to the plan. the sidewalk ends, turning left. you must part ways. that is the rule. you're told something but you were lost in how they aren't smiling, and your constant pestering is responsible. words unspoken, because you didn't comprehend what was said. but you understand: you're a piece of shit. ways parted, you stand there, looking at the silhouette getting smaller, often hidden behind the myriad sea of faces and heads walking on to their garden-variety lives. you contemplate if you currently have enough power to manifest traveling back in time to before you burdened people with all the unnecessary thoughts your brain cooks up. no. this does not require divine intervention. you need to do better. Fix it, Ashmit. wait.
you catch up, but for once, you're speechless. people walk in your doors, looking for friendship, but all you do is smother them until they know the only thing left to do is leave. you wish you understood and respected boundaries. you wish they didn't put up any. you leave words unspoken, because sometimes, you are too much. shut up. how do you tell someone that you want to spend every waking moment basking in their moonlight, breathing the same air as them. how do you tell someone that they light up your world, like magnesium catching air, glowing brighter than the sun. how do you tell someone you could consume your own mortal existence trying to bring them happiness, except their happiness isn't rooted in your existence to start with. you can't. enough of being a burden. you remember the rulebook. you remember to grace what you have with your appreciation. after all, you take what you comes your way. greed was never your thing.
life immediately seems easier when you stop to look back at all the things you forget to appreciate. you appreciate words unspoken, because you can talk with your eyes. like morse code feeding into each other's brain without either of you blinking. because you live in each other's heads when having a conversation. It is telepathic coexistence. well not really. but you're getting there.
you appreciate everything they do to make sure you are not left to rot in your head, spiralling into self-doubt and starting fires. you appreciate that even in their disdain, they don't ask you to go away. why don't they tell you to go away? there's nothing remarkable about you that makes a difference in their life. so what is all this for?
you feel saddened by how many times you have confused friendship for something else, only to find yourself trying to define what that something else is, and failing. every time, you get left with nothing, not even friendship. they usually get married. wait. halt. it was never just you, was it? what do you do when you don't know how close you should get to someone? how do convince yourself that there is no need to get any closer?
"hey, what do you want with me?"
sometimes words are left unspoken, because you hear everything you wish they'd say in the music they share. because you get to talk about every feeling that burns your soul inside anyway. because you've been told you will never be given an answer. mhm. what a sociopath. what's running away? you look up. you're deeper in the spiral. sanity looks further away. you leave words unspoken, because you've overstayed your welcome and need to leave. because deep down, you know exactly where you stand with someone. your hope blurs the lines, but, you know, hope changes nothing. you shall smother everything you touch. and you shall smoulder everything in your wake as you burn yourself and everything else you hold close -- just so that you can feel, and have things you are not allowed to keep. this is your chase. you should have just stayed inside your mother, never to come out. that would fix it.
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